Name Game

(BTW, this first scene, really happened. To me.)

The scene: A maternity room in big city obstetric department

The players: A new Mommy and her midwife.

“So,” says the midwife, handing the new mommy her beautiful baby, “have you given any thought to a name for your daughter?”

“Yes! I’ve decided to name her Chlamydia.”

Now, this is where the midwife – me - swallows her teeth. Don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoy working in the maternity department - most of the time. It’s not the pain or the noise or the endless suffering that gets to me. It’s the names I can’t stand.

“Chlamydia?” repeats the midwife, pinching the bridge of her nose and squinting. “What the hel. . . um… Why did you choose that name?”

“Well, I was in the doctors waiting room for a prenatal visit and overheard the doctor talking to his nurse and he said, ‘that lady’s got Chlamydia.’ I thought it sounded like a terrific name for a girl. It’s Italian, isn’t it?”

“Calamari,” thinks the midwife, “Italian for octupus. That’s barely better.”

“It’s a flower,” continues the mother.

“That would be a Camelia!”

“Oh, but I like the sound of Chlamydia.”

“Okay,” said the Midwife. “Do you know how to spell it?”

The mother frowns and pulls at her lower lip. “It starts with a ‘Q’?”

“Well,” says the midwife, “If you can’t spell it, imagine the problem your daughter will have when she starts preschool. All her teachers are going to be asking her to spell her name.”

“You’re right. Maybe ‘Sally’ would be better. But I’ll spell it with an ‘ie’, just to be ‘different’.”

***

Goddess help us all, I hate asking people what they’ve named their kids, and until recently I had no sympathy for their problems. For heaven’s sake, they’d had eight or nine months to get over themselves and choose something sensible. But no, many cannot resist playing practical jokes with something as important as a name.*1

Then I started writing and realized just how hard it is to name someone.

Parents have it easy! They only have to name one or two – or in the most extreme case in my experience, a total of twelve - children.

But a writer, oh have mercy, we not only have to name the hero and heroine, we have to name their parents, their siblings, their pets, (deep breath) their home town and street, the school they went to, their best friends, their houses, their favorite brand of coffee ---- and, for the Paranormal and Sci Fi amongst us - - - their money, home planet, civilization, food, games, pastimes, alcoholic drinks, parasitic animals, and gods!

Whew!

And we don’t just get to do it just once, but have to do it over and over again. Sigh. I was arguing with my writers group. They said ‘Carl’ wasn’t macho enough for an alpha hero. They wanted me to change it to ‘Karl.’ I pointed out a recent Regency where the hero was named ‘Waldo,’ and he got to carry a sword and everything. (The battle continues. . . )

I have discovered that I’m not good at naming. Particularly when, as a writer, I have to name them well!

It’s not easy. In the real world I’ve had plenty of exposure to people naming the children with-malice-a-forethought. (That’s a legal term for being real mean and planning it out in advance.)

There was one mother of a prematurely born boy who wanted everyone to know she valued his “special” nature. She wrote on his bedside card ‘Im’unkie’, intending it to be pr onounced ‘I’m unique.’ The doctor on rounds loudly read it as ‘I’m a Monkey.’

Twins seem to bring out the worst in people.

e.g.

‘Orangejello and Lemonjello.’ – no explanation given. (Pronounced Oron’gelo and Limon’gelo)

A bus driver was the proud papa of twin boys who he named ‘Mercedes and Lamborghini.’ Apparently he had always wanted to say, ‘this is my Mercedes and I have a Lamborghini at home.’ Now he could.

‘Grace and Favor.’

For those of you who don’t know, retired servants of the British Royal family, who have no family or life outside of service to the crown, are permitted to live in one of six small apartments in Buckingham Palace until they die. These are called The Grace And Favor Apartments. While occupying these apartments they are, and I quote - “living under the Grace and Favor of the Queen.” A very royalist mommy decided that she liked the sound of the words. Ummmm?

‘Patrick Ivan Gilmore and Brian Ian Gilmore.’

On the face of it not bad names, but Daddy thought it funny to give the boys embossed everything! From school bags, to wallets, to books and personalized number plates for the cars they eventually obtained. All through school they were known at ‘Biggy and Piggy.’

The Hispanic triples, however, win the prize:- ‘Jesus, Mary and Jose.’

Yes, I have met a baby ‘Urine’, and if you get me drunk I will explain how that came about. (It’s all my fault.) And I’ve heard the one about Nosmo King enough to know that it is apocryphal. There are more ‘Fe’male’s’ than you would think reasonable, far too many ‘Precious’s’, ‘Diamond’s’, and ‘Angel’s.’ There is a special level of hell for those who have named their babies ‘Nevaeh’, and think themselves so clever.

Then there is the poor guy who works in the housekeeping department of my hospital. I will leave it to those of you with good memories to work out what year he was born and which science fiction program his parents are fans of, but his name is ‘T’Pau.’

I’m beginning to sound snide and superior and I’m sort of sorry about that. But in a recent book I read the author had either given up or was trying to slip one by the reader. She’d named the evil, conniving cousins trying to steal the heroine’s fortune the ‘Philthi-Riches.’ (They come from France.) And then there’s the dashing, kind and mysterious Irish stable lad ‘O’Goodenbed. . . . ’ (Perhaps the editor was asleep?)

Remember writers, we suffer, but we do not suffer alone.

*1(Just an FYI, but there is no legal requirement for you to give your child your last name. You could be the ‘Brown-Smythes’ and put ‘Spring’ on the birth certificate as the baby’s surname. As long as you correctly enter your name, the kid can have anything you down. Please, just aim for something reasonable that won’t cause him to become a serial killer.)

* * *

For more information on bad baby names I refer you to: http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/1.html

Oh, and for help choosing names see http://www.behindthename.com which allows you to put in a meaning and it will give you a list of names. For example put in “light” and it will give you:- ABNER   m, Usage: English, Biblical, AEGLE   f, Usage: Greek Mythology (Latinized), APOLLO   m, Usage: Greek Mythology (Latinized), BARAK   m, Usage: Biblical, Jewish, BERGLJOT   f, Usage: Norwegian, BHASKAR   m, Usage: Indian, HIKARI   f, Usage: Japanese, HIKARU   m ,Usage: Japanese, JYOTI   f, Usage: Indian

Etc, etc, etc.

Bio: arrested at the age of 14 for performing immoral acts with a dictionary, Dee was recently released from incarceration. Recidivist that she is, she is currently awaiting trial for interfering, prying, nosing and meddling with a thesaurus.